A Healthy Baby Is Not All that Matters…
“All that matters is that you have a healthy baby.”
Heard that before? I have heard that phrase tossed around mindlessly in the aftermath of many women’s disappointing or traumatic births.
It’s a phrase with the best of intentions but potential worst effects.
I don’t know about you, but I had envisaged my birth way beyond I ever fell pregnant. I had imagined feeling those first few exciting contractions as I lay in bed with my husband. I had dreamed of climbing into that birthing pool in the calm of night, with candles and a couple loved ones warmly surrounding me. I had hoped to push out my baby all by myself and experience that overwhelming love and joy everyone talks about.
The reality was far from this. After a very long, traumatic labour resulting in forceps and an hour’s worth of stitching and catheter placement, I was left grieving.
I managed to bond well with my baby over the course of those first few days and weeks, and I was able to exclusively breastfeed too, which I am so incredibly thankful for following my experience. Still, even as I held the healthy baby I had prayed for, I experienced this confusing grief on a daily basis for almost an entire year.
What changed the narrative was giving myself the permission to feel exactly what I needed to feel. There was a great weight of pressure subconsciously lumped onto me. I felt I had to “be grateful” and “let time be a healer”. As time progressed, the burden only grew heavier and even minor mentions related to birth were enough to find me breaking at the weight.
I knew I needed community and healing. In my search for help, I joined a birth trauma support group of other’s who had journeyed similar paths to me, and I placed myself in therapy. In this process where I had felt totally alone, misunderstood and made to feel ungrateful at times, I realised I was far from alone.
I found that 1 in 3 women describe their birth as traumatic and 1 in 10 women experience PTSD as a result of their birth. I realised that not all women experience that rush of love, bonding and joy the moment their baby is placed on their chest for the first time. I realised that those first days after birth are often messy, emotional, and confusing for many, many of us, regardless of our birth experience.
A healthy baby is the bare minimum. It is literally survival. However, how we feel about our births and postpartum can determine whether we thrive.
If you have been told the phrase, “all that matters if a healthy baby’, and feel any type of guilt, shame or failings in hearing it, please know this…
You are allowed to grieve the birth you wanted. You are validated in your pain as you hold the baby you prayed for. You have permission to feel elated and devastated all at once. How you feel about your birth or postpartum is allowed without shame, guilt, or embarrassment. It doesn't make you any less worthy or less of a mother.
This experience and these feelings may be a part of this chapter of life, but they do not need to dictate the rest of your story. Don't wait it out. Don’t be silenced by someone with unrealistic expectations, and who may never be able to understand.
What can we do when we face a difficult birth?
Be encouraged to seek help and support so that you can healthily process this experience, and be able to thrive in yourself and as a mother.
Talk to a trusted loved one who will simply listen to understand and not foolishly try to fix
Ask for a medical debrief to understand what happened and why
Write a letter of complaint for any wrong-doing
Seek psychological help in the form of counselling or therapy (such as EMDR and 3-step rewind)
Find a support group with others who have journeyed the same things. (Check out the Birth Trauma Association)
I am thankful that with community, a listening ear, a plan of action and prayerfully walking this road of healing, that I am now weightless. When I think back to my birth, it will always be what it was - a disappointing, traumatic experience. Except now, I live it in the past instead of a constant present. I look back on myself with compassion and grace. I can now look forward with renewed hope and joy at what is to come.
Multiple feelings and wants can co-exist. How you feel during pregnancy matters. How you feel about your birth matters. How you experience the future once birth is over matters. It all matters.